The Luxury Of Nothing

My wife didn’t fall head over heels in love with me when we first met. In fact, after briefly dating me many years ago, she confessed that she just wasn’t feeling what she had hoped to and that maybe it would be better if we didn’t waste each other’s time. So, naturally, wishing the best for her, I agreed.

But that wasn’t the end of our story.

As months went on, the winter thaw set in, and we found our way back to each other. The full story deserves a book, but in short – it turns out that time and circumstances have just the right amount of magic to create a spark. Just a couple of months after we already shared a home, a happy family of three – her, me, and our silly, lovely dog.

She is a singular woman, my wife. A loyal, beautiful, fierce, loving, and, most importantly, hilarious woman. And over the last six years, she stopped at nothing to make me feel like a singular man, too. She cared for me and our home, and she let our relationship bloom into something irreplaceable, something truly special. She worked on herself, did the things she dreamed of doing, didn’t back down from challenges, and at the same time, she always found time for us. For our special little moments of peace and quiet. She loved me like you only love once – if ever. She was all in on life. All in on us. All in on me.

And me? I was all in on gambling our hopes and dreams away.

The boy with an itch

About 15 years ago, when I just started out on my career in aviation, for some reason, I found comfort and release in sportsbooks. As it goes, in little time, this comfort and release became an unscratchable itch. With every week, every month, every year, I became more and more obsessed. In my obsession, I failed to realize that what I had was an illness. An illness that had already consumed me. Consumed my present and, unless treated, would consume my future, too.

Luckily, back then, I still had some people who cared deeply. So, they begged, they reasoned, they threatened. Unluckily for me, in my pride, shame, and fear, I never disclosed the true extent of my illness. I tried, but personal stupidity is an obstacle I’ve yet to master.

And then I met her. How could I tell her? How? It took her months to feel about me the same way I felt about her in mere minutes. Pride, shame, fear, and love.

Oh, but she found out. She found out everything. And she still stayed. Even after all the dishonesty, the hopelessness, the crushed dreams – she stayed. She stayed to help, she stayed because of love, and she stayed because even after all, she still believed in who I can be.

Eventually, however, even the most flexible boundaries fail. She stayed until she could no more. Not because of a lack of love, or even hope. No – because of exhaustion. And once you’ve exhausted a great woman, even she will just fold over and give up. Maybe – forever.

So, those are my sins. I broke her trust with my actions and my words, more than once. And no amount of love can remedy that if it keeps happening over and over again.

Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Surely, you loved her enough that you would stop destroying the life you had and the future you both were heading toward, right?

Yes. I loved her enough. And I still do. And I always will.

But, sometimes it isn’t about how much you love your partner. It’s about how little you love yourself. Sometimes, you can try and justify your words and actions with the love you have for another. Yet, had I loved myself enough, I would’ve never caused her the pain and grief I have.


I guess you only realize what you had once it’s gone, right? This realization, however, has stopped me from folding over, giving up, and letting go. This realization has given me a deeper understanding of what’s truly important and will forever remain the building block of the life I shall lead. I shall be all in, once again, only this time..

Time and circumstances, right?

Until next time,
– Peks