The Luxury Of Nothing

It’s been exactly three months.
Three months of loss.
Three months of realization.
And three months of sitting in the remains of the life we had, the love we built, and the future we lost.

I used to think I was functional, even through all of my mistakes – a six-figure income, a home filled with peace and happiness, and her – loving me so much it felt like the air I breathe.
Losing her made everything else unravel in no time at all.

See, before losing my job, the level of hope was really up there. I knew that no matter what’s been said or even done, there is a solution. All that’s crumbled can be rebuilt. But, once unemployed, that hope crumbled, too.

Since then, I’ve felt like being swallowed by quicksand while the world just moves past. Hey, I know some people bounce back faster. Some people get a gym membership, update their CV, and carry on like nothing happened. And I did all of that, too. In a span of mere weeks, I think I finally tried more than I have for the past 15 years. But, somehow, what was truly lost wasn’t just an income or a place to lay down my head at night. No, what was truly lost was the innocence of loving each other unconditionally, the innocence of having each other’s backs, no matter what. How do you rebuild that?

Forgive me if I didn’t know how right away.

I just wanted to go home.
I wanted to un-lose everything.
And I didn’t know how.

The plan

I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to be the person she can trust again. We’re going to be best friends once more. I’m going to find a job and I’m going to pay all of my debt, too. That way, once she takes me back – we can finally live the life we’re supposed to.
The caveat with this, however, is myself. Because even just a month ago, I would’ve rushed in at the slightest chance. Without working on myself, without working on the things that ate at our love, at her health and happiness. I can never endanger her like this again. No, that cannot be the plan.

But what can I do, really? I’ve worked my whole life in an incredibly specific field, and there are no work opportunities for me anywhere, without moving across half the globe. And I’m not going anywhere without her, no way. So, I tried everything – hauled produce at the local supermarket, wrote small pieces on demand, tried doing online surveys, and played mobile games to earn a couple of bucks. Just to stay above the water for however long I could. And I applied to almost every job I could find within a 50-mile radius of me.

The result? Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve earned 6 bucks total from online surveys and games, 50-some buckaroos from hauling produce, and 80 from writing on demand (and it’s such a low, low demand). And I’ve got about 100 no-replies, 12 interviews, and 2 job offers. I consider myself lucky. Because one of those offers, even though just a fraction of what I had before, is much better than I could’ve hoped for now. So, while at the moment I’m suspended 3 feet below the waves, I will figure this thing out.

For now, however, the plan will have to be extreme budgeting. She used to do this for both of us. She did so, so much. It’s time to grow up, Pek.

And so, I’m growing up. Somehow, I’ll have to figure out how to reconcile a 2500$ net income with a 3500$ expense sheet. Google Sheets, are you magic? Guess we’ll find out by tomorrow. One foot ahead of the other.

Until next time,
– Peks